This is my mother. She left me when I was just 14 years old. I saw her a few times from teenage through the typical college years (although I didn’t have typical college years) and then she passed away before I married or had children. She was a wonderful woman that I know I would talk to her often if she were alive, but I really never got the chance.

The most current entries are things I would tell her and only her ... because they aren’t meant to be heard, just vented (if she were alive). The majority of this blog are letters she wrote to me (and a few to my sisters) during the years that we were apart.

Sunday, July 19, 1981

July 19, 1981

Dear Sandy,

Just a short note on a borrowed typewriter to let you know that I love you.  I went with the handicapped society last night to Southwich from 7-10 PM.  I have to use gloves or my hands get cut.  I also get burned on the burners.  I don't use the dishwasher for just my dishes so I do them after a meal.  A couple friends gave me paper plates and cups to help.  I still use my mugs all the time.  I also got to go to the Mall today because I was bored and nervous.  It was packed because of a sidewalk sale.  I returned my TABU and got a large one for the 2 small ones.  The small ones turned me brown but the newer one doesn't.  It was the same price.  I love that smell.  I use all my colognes.  I wash up before bed.  Tonight I am going to go to be by midnight and get up about 5:30 because it is cooler then and eat my breakfast here and make the bed and do the dishes and pick up the clutter and then go to Sourdough Charlie's.  I can get all the coffee and Sanka I want for a dime from 6:30 - 8:00 AM  and it is good and they will let me read as long as I want.  Remember all the times we went and all the times you got me coffee.  Such good memories.  I am really nervous lately.  I don't know why.  I can't sleep either.  Grandma is still sick and her stomach hurts.  Dr. Jones says it is colitis.   I am reading The Wildest Heart by Rosemary Rodgers.  I really like it.  I am almost done with Chesapeake.  Did you see the move "The Other side of the Mountain"  on 2 nights this past week?  It was good.  I am knitting also and trying to sew but it is hard to do.  I am glad you are happy.  I surely do miss you and your company.  It is lonely here and quiet.  Time drags.  The sun has been in for two days and my feet are better.  Remember you can come here anytime.  I want you.  Patti wants you for babysitting.  Do you save your money?  I have non at the present time.  Someone can come and get you anytime you want.  I hope Betsy is OK.  Is Shirley having fun?  Are you in Rainbows there?  Do you hear from Nancy Reed?  Millie Edwards is finally back in town as of yesterday.  We are good friends.  I also have a good friend named Joyce Neal who was a patient at MCO that I took care of.  She does a lot for me.  She is planning on taking me to the Franklin Park Mall tomorrow night and we are eating at the York Steak House there also.  She is treating since I am so poor.  She brought me potatoes, corn and onions the other day.  She brings her daughter, Jackie, who is 12 and very mature.  A really nice girl.  Charlotte and Ron were on a trip in Kentucky and were hit by a car and lost their car but no one was hurt.  Lori is now married and happy.  Dad put the mill and mixer down the basement because I can not handle them.  I can't lift with my hands anything heavy paper unless Dad brings it after he reads it.  Do you ever go to church there?  I go to the Lutheran most of the time if it is cool out.  Judy Pelot gave me Joni book 2 to read but she is acting strange since I am back.  She and Audrey seem to think God can make me well and not to see a psychiatrist or take any pills for the head.  It is OK to take them for anything else.  I don't agree with them.  I am really nervous inside.  This is very hard to accept being handicapped with my hand now also.  I feel so helpless and yet I try to do everything I can for myself.  I may get a different apartment that has better heating and cooling for my feet.  Winter will hurt them as it did last year.  I can't afford any new and none are available before September.  The rent here is good for what I have.

July 19, 1981

Dear Sandy,

Just a short note on a borrowed typewriter to let you know that I love you.  I went with the Handicapped Society last night to Southwich from 7-10 pm.  I have to use gloves or my hands get cut.  I also get burned on the burners.  I don't use the dishwasher for just my dishes so I do them after a meal.  A couple of friends gave me paper plates and cups to help.  I still use my mugs all the time.  I also get to go to the mall today because I was bored and nervous.  It was packed because of a sidewalk sale.  I returned my TABU and got a larger one for the 2 small ones.  The small ones turned me brown but the newer one doesn't.  It was the same price.  I love that smell.  I use all my colognes.  I wash up before bed.  Tonight I am going to go to bed by midnight and get up about 5:30 am because it is cooler then and eat my breakfast here and make the bed and do the dishes and pick up the clutter and then go to Sourdough Charlies.  I can get all the coffee and Sanka I want for a dime from 6:30 - 8:00 am and it is good and they will let me read as long as I want.  Remember all the times we went and all the times you got me coffee.  Such good memories.  I am really nervous lately.  I don't know why.  I can't sleep either.  Grandma is still sick and her stomach hurts.  Dr. Jones says it is colitis.  I am reading "The Wildest Heart" by Rose Mary Rogers.  I really like it.  I am almost done with "Chesapeake."  Did you see the movie "The Other Side of the Mountain 2" this past week?  It was good.  I am knitting also and trying to sew but it is hard to do.  I am glad you are happy.  I surely do miss you and your company.  It is lonely here and quiet.  Time drags.  The sun has been in for 2 days and my feet are better.  Remember you can come here anytime.  I want you.  Patti want you for babysitting.  Do you save your money?  I have none at the present time.  Someone can come and get you anytime you want.  I hope Betsy is okay.  Is Shirley having fun?  Are you in Rainbow there?  Do you hear form Nancy Reed?  Millie Edwards is finally back in town as of yesterday.  We are good friends.  I also have a good friend named Joyce Neal who was a patient at MCO that I took care of.  She does a lot for me.  She is planning on taking me to the Franklin Park Mall tomorrow night and we are sting at the York Steak House there also.  She is treating since I am so poor.  She brought me potatoes, corn and onions the other day.  She brings her daughter, Jackie, who is 12 and very mature.  A really nice girl.  Charlotte and Ron were on a trip in Kentucky an were hit by a car and lost their car but no one was hurt.  Lori is now married and happy.  Dad put the mill and mixer down the basement because I can not handle them.  I can't lift with my hands anything heavy so I can't use heavy bowls or pans.  I don't get the newspaper unless Dad brings it after he reads it.  Do you ever go to church there?  I go to the Lutheran most of the time if it is cool outside.  Judy Pelet gave me Joni book 2 to read but she is acting strange since I am back.  She and Audrey seem to think God can make me well and not to see a psychiatrist or take any pills for the head.  It is okay to take them for anything else.  I don't agree with them.  I am really nervous inside. This is very hard to accept being handicapped with my hand now also.  I feel so helpless and yet I try to do everything I can for myself.  I may get a different apartment that has better heating and cooling for my feet.  Winter will hurt them as it did last year.  I can't afford any new and none are available before Sept.  The rent here is good for what I have.  I should offer an ad for someone to live with me to keep me company and help with the vacuuming.  I want a new cleaner and typewriter.  I want to sell the violin since I won't be able to play with my hands.  It is worse than when you saw it last.  Without the brace it drops.  I talked to Lois at the Health Food Store twice lately and she really liked you.  She helps me.  I got honey, sunflower seeds, yogurt, juice, peanut butter, carob powder for milk, chewable vit C like you like.  I had coupons for most of them.  I got 7 grain bread also.  Well, I must close and soak my sore bottom in the tub and read my book.  I will write Kirstie tonight.  Plese write me soon.  I miss your letters.  Please!  Remember I love you and miss you.

All my love for you,

Mommykins

Friday, July 17, 1981

July 17, 1981

Dear Betsy,

Thank you for your letter.  I was so happy to get it.  Being in St. Mary's in Rochester was a real experience.  I have been checked all over.  I have home one week.  It is real hot here.  My hand is permanently damaged and this is my best writing.  I hope I can borrow a typewriter soon.  This is hard for me to do.  My left hand is weak.  My dad took me to the mall.  Thursday night and put my wheel chair up.  I shopped all over but have no money.  I saw so many lovely Rainbow things.  I didn't even price them.  I don't have enough money for August's rent.  I hope I can see you soon.  It has been too long.  Are you enjoying Shirley's visit.  I hope you do.  Are you sewing?  I can't cut with the scissors but try.  I want to make Christmas presents.  I am fortunate that I learned to throw my yarn with my left forefinger.  So I knit and read a lot.

I go outside in early morning or late night if I go at all.  I have lots of trouble walking.

Grandma is very sick.  She had to go to the hospital a few days ago.  She has colitis and is on a bland diet.  I'll write soon.  I hope you will write soon.  I love you very much and always will WRITE .

All my love,
Mom

Sunday, July 5, 1981

July 5, 1981

Hi,

Just a short note while in this 930 bed hospital to tell all three of you how much I miss and care about you and I love you so much.  I hope you are all OK and having a good summer.  I keep singing "Somewhere over the Rainbow".  I read Emergency Nurse and it was really good.  Grandpa drove here Thursday.  Mimi was put to sleep.   She was too old.  This medical center is so big.  I miss you and love you.  Remember me please in your prayers.

Love your mom
Forever