This is my mother. She left me when I was just 14 years old. I saw her a few times from teenage through the typical college years (although I didn’t have typical college years) and then she passed away before I married or had children. She was a wonderful woman that I know I would talk to her often if she were alive, but I really never got the chance.

The most current entries are things I would tell her and only her ... because they aren’t meant to be heard, just vented (if she were alive). The majority of this blog are letters she wrote to me (and a few to my sisters) during the years that we were apart.

Thursday, April 30, 1981

April 30, 1981 Sally

Dear Sally,
Thank you so much for the bread that arrived today.  Sandy was so thrilled with the pillow.  It is beautiful.  How much do I owe you?  I don't know what the postage was.  The Safeway brand bread molded but the others are fine so we will just have to use the Orpwest brand.  I had it tonight for my supper.  It was so good.  

The divorce hearing was Monday and the judge is taking a week to a month to look it over and make his decision.  It is Heavenly Father's care.  I haven't seen the girls since March 11 last year.  Last night I had a severe attack of TIA or minor stroke.  Sandy called my parents but I lost consciousness.  I was fine up until it happened and it lasted several hours.  I came to and refused to go to the hospital but I scared Sandy to death.  She was awake all night and I read scriptures until 3 AM.  I have made arrangements to go to Ann Arbor University of Michigan the Wed the 6th.  I am really concerned and I strongly want to see the girls but Garry won't let me and I am afraid to tell him my debilitation condition as he will think he can get Sandy.  She is slipping way down in school and I don't think she cares.  I have lost the use of my right hand and borrowed this typewriter from a friend and it is electric.  I never took typing so it is all left finger punch.  Please excuse.  I really can spell!!!  I am at the end of my money and really worried.  The church here is unhelpful.  I miss all of you so much.  The Bishop still hasn't sent Sacrament to me and I requested it over 2 months ago.  My Visiting teacher brought in one meal.  The apartment is dirty and I can do nothing by myself.  Sandy is really nasty and lazy and has a constant mess.  I can't inspire her to get moving and she thinks she will pass but I fear she won't.  She doesn't go to school like she is supposed to.  She is afraid that she will have to go to Garry.  At times I think she acts this way so she can go.  I feel so guilty for being an invalid and unable to go anywhere with her.  She lives a lonely life.  I just called Garry to beg him to let me see the girls and I guess he won't.  Betsy has lots of trouble with asthma.  My money will be gone when I pay the rent and I will have to borrow from someone.  I have never been in this position before.  Sally, I love you and I want you to know how much you and your family mean to me.  I wish I had taken your advise  long before and I might not be in this sickness.  Sandy is trying to diet but she blows it but she doesn't have will power (not like me).  I wrote Jodie yesterday.  She sent a card.  Ash her what I said about the church here.  I still have a strong testimony and it is what gets me through each day.  I will enclose a check for $6 and if it was more which I bet it was, please let me know.  You don't know how much I appreciate it.  The bread will help my bowels as I have a terrible time with them being in the wheel chair all the time.  So how are the children?  How is Mike's business doing?  I think of you so much.  Give my love to everyone as I miss them all.  Tell the sisters to write me and give me some encouragement.  I get depressed at times and try so hard not to question why this has all happened to me.  Thank you for the pamphlets.  I am grateful for them.  I am trying to read Jesus the Christ.   I wish I had it on tapes.  So how is Ginny doing?  Sandy misses her and never gets to writing anyone.  She needs motivation.  I am sure my condition is depressing her and she is afraid.  Our weather goes from 80 to 50 during the day.  We had a tornado touch down Tuesday evening and supposed to take shelter.  I had to stay where I was as I couldn't go down the stairs.  I am really at a loss without my legs plus my right hand.  I get so frustrated.  I can't bathe or wash or comb my hair.  I think I will have someone come to the house and cut it really short so I have no care.  It is so thick and getting long.  It is a real handful.  It takes 5 minutes for water to reach the scalp.  You remember how thick it was and I have had it cut short 2 times since I came here.  I have so much hair for everyone.  I must do, things right to go hair and so thick.  Sandy take 2 1/2 grains Synthroid/day and is still tired.  I take a grain.  Do you still take 1 1/2?  My toenail came off last month and I have been on antibiotics 3 times  and it does not heal because they are blocking the blood to my feet and legs.  Now it is affecting by brain supply.  I hope that Ann Arbor can and will help me.  I feel that the answer is bilateral above the knee amputation so I can live again.  Well, I will close and get ready for bed.  I sleep a lot lately but have trouble getting to bed and asleep.  I take a lot of calcium and magnesium and drink milk.  I want to thank you again for the trouble of getting my bread here.  I'll let you know when I need it again.  Take care of yourself and write soon.  Love you always.

Your friend forever,
Judy

Sunday, April 19, 1981

April 19, 1981

Dear Betsy,

I want to thank you so much for the beautiful Easter Card.  I really enjoy it and your thoughtfulness.  Sandy went to church and I had to stay home.  It got cold here and rained on and off all day.  Lately, I sleep late and stay up late.  Sandy slept all day yesterday for a total of 14 hours.  I read Chesapeake and we are watching "The Ten Commandments" now.  Sandy is off school this week.  She helped serve a breakfast for church today.  Grandma and Grandpa called from Dallas tonight.  Grandpa is wheezing.  Aunt Ida has Mimi and she is getting old.  She wets all the time and can't here.  Poor thing.  She is 13 years old, I think.  Aunt Ida went to church with Charlotte and Lori  and all the family.  Then they went out to eat and to the cemetery and then over to our cousin Tom's home who has a wife and two children.  Carol and Gary are my cousins also (Charlotte's sons) and I used to babysit for Carol when she was very little.  I was disappointed that she didn't come to see me.  Lori will be married on June 12th.  She is having a big wedding and lots of showers.  I can't go but wish I could.  She is your 3rd cousin and Aunt Ida's great great niece like you are to, her.  She turned Catholic.  I hope that you are well and doing all right.  I want you to know that you can come here anytime you want to visit or live.  I love you dearly and am so sorry that this mess has to happen in our lives.  I wrote Kirstie last night.  Sandy babysat for 4 hours.  My parents got me a pretty pink printed robe for Easter.  They gave me the package before they left and said not to open it before Easter.  She said she was sorry she forgot to send you both cards but forgot being in Dallas.  They will come back by way of the Smokey Mountains.  It should be pretty there for them now.  I miss California and my friends.  I think the drier climate was better.  I have to stay here no though.  I wish we could see each other.  We really are close in distance.  I sure miss you.  Where do you go to church?  Did Kirstie get balloted on yet for Rainbows?  I really appreciate all your letters.  They mean so much.  I look forward to the mail each day.  I miss not drinking my coffee.  I may be able to drink some soon.  It makes me get red and hurt easily.  Well, I guess that I will close for now.  Take care of yourself and write me really soon.  I hope you have a nice vacation.  Remember that I love you very much and miss you.  Sandy and I play lots of Canasta.  I love you with all my heart.

Love from your mom,
Mom

Tuesday, April 14, 1981

April 14, 1981 Sally

Dear Sally,

Sorry I haven't written but I have had a bad attitude most of the time.  I have been in this apartment since I left the hospital Jan 10 and now they want to admit me again.  The reason I am typing this is because I have palsy in my right hand like I had in my left hand last year.  I borrowed this typewriter from a friend and it is electric and I never took typing so excuse the mistakes.  We have not been well and I just finished with intestinal flu and fever.  Sandy and I both had bad colds.  She is on antibiotics and missed a lot of school.  Her grades are terrible and she doesn't care.  She really sasses me a lot and I can no longer exercise, etc.  I am in the wheel chair all the time.  It is really depressing.  My toe nail is gone on the other toe now and infected and won't heal.  I was on antibiotics for a month and it didn't help because no blood supply to the feet.  I pray for a miracle.  I want to come back to CA and go to the big clinic.  I have to wait for the divorce hearing April 27.  I never hear from Garry.  Betsy writes a lot.  I really miss her.  She was so thrilled because you called her on her birthday.  That was so nice of you.  Kirstie never writes me and I didn't even get a birthday card or present from her.  I am on welfare and food stamps.  I can't afford this apartment.  I need money desperately to start May with.  Garry sends me nothing.  I signed up to sell Shaklee but it is hard to do from the apartment.  I really don't have many friends.  My parents are a help with errands.  Laundry costs a dollar per load and it adds up.  They left for Dallas Monday for a couple of weeks.  I decided not to enter the hospital then because they were going to stay home.  They need a break and wanted to see my brother.  I would like to have my legs amputated above the knee so I had no more pain and could get rehabilitated and wear artificial legs.  I see so many advantages to it but the doctors say it is too drastic to do.  But they don't live with this and have all the problems and medications that upset my stomach.  I have to keep the apartment cool and cold.  It is to freeze tonight and was 80 a few days ago.  I think the palsy and this are related.  I am vegetating away.  I can't eat because all I do is sit.  I try to read but end up watching TV.  I stay up late at night and get up early.  I supposed to get Social Security and Disability.  I have all the papers to fill out.  I am disappointed in the church here.  They don't come around and I can't ask for help because they live so far apart.  The Bishop never contacts me and he said he would.  I can't go to church but I don't think he believes me.  I would like to regain my temple recommend but he says I have to go to the meetings or else get a written excuse from a doctor.  That made me mad because it is so different in CA.  My mother says their would be no one to help me if I returned to CA.  I said my friends and church would help.  My own relatives don't even help and when they do they complain for days.  I would love to live in UT and be active in church.  I love the Salt Lake area.  It has so many memories.  I know we get there or CA somehow.  I still have my faith.  I read my scriptures everyday and it comforting.  I would love the tapes for Jesus the Christ.  I watched the movie Peter and Paul on TV tonight.  It was good.  I would like the Church News but at this time I can't afford it.  I really need a blessing.  Please write me Dale Christenson's address.  I miss you and Mike so much.  I miss you both so much and Marie.  She calls me and I really love that.  Can you think of a way for me to get to CA and where could I live?  I thought that if the divorce ends and I could buy a trailer there for Sandy and me we could manage.  How much are they?  Is there low income housing there and apartment for the handicapped?  I hate being so inactive.  I have to take laxatives and eat harsh foods and they hurt my stomach because of all the pills I take.  They children sound so grown up.  I am glad you spend your time with them.  It shows and you are a fine example of a mother.  I really you all and regret that I never was active like I should have been.  Could you do me a favor and send me some bread?  I like Orowheat's Honey Wheat Berry bread and it helped my bowels.  It is dark and coarse.  Albertsons and Safeway both carry it.  It is expensive but I will pay you and send it as fast as possible.  They also make their bread Orowheat Branola bread.  Safeway's honey wheat bread will do if they don't have the other.  I am not supposed to have the preservatives or much salt.  Please try and send UPS.  Get up to four loaves.  I would appreciate it and so would my bowels.  This typewriter is sticking and has made a mess of this letter.  Give my love to all and say hello for me.  I think of you so much and wish I could call you.  I know you are my listened to you years ago and left Garry then.  All this would be over.  Hind sight!  I gave him a fair chance.  He says I pinned Betsy to the floor and put a knife to her throat.  This is all in the divorce papers.  I am still trying to read "Chesapeake" by Mischenor.  I am over the 600 pages but it has 500 more to go.  Take care and please write me soon and try to send the bread.  I will pay you.  Give the children a hug and kiss from me and Sandy.  I love you.  Have a good Easter.

Love,
Judy

April 30, 1981 Sally

Dear Sally,

Sorry I haven't written but I have had a bad attitude most of the time.  I have been in this apartment since I left the hospital Jan. 10th and now they want to admit me again.  The reason I am typing this is because I have a palsy in my right hand like I had in the left hand last year.  I borrowed this typewriter from a friend and it is electric and I never took typing so excuse the mistakes.  We have not been well and I just finished with intestinal flu and fever.  Sandy and I both had bad colds.  She is on antibiotics and missed a lot of school.  Her grades are terrible and she doesn't care.  She really sasses me a lot and I can no longer exercise, etc.  I am in the wheel chair all the time.  It is really depressing.  My toe nail is gone on the other toe now and infected and won't heal.  I was on antibiotics for a month and it didn't help because no blood supply to the feet.  I pray for a miracle.  I want to come back to CA and go to the big Clinic.  I have to wait for the divorce hearing on April 27.  I never hear from Garry.  Betsy writes a lot.  I really miss her.  She was so thrilled because you called her on her birthday.  That was so nice of you.  Kirstie never writes me and I didn't even get a birthday card or present from her.  I am on Welfare and food stamps.  I can't afford this apartment.  I need money despareately to start May with.  Garry sends me nothing.  I signed up to sell Shaklee but it is hard to do from the apartment.  I really don't have many friends.  My parents are a help with errands.  Laundry costs a dollar per load and it adds up.  They left for Dallas Monday for a couple of weeks.  I decided not to enter the hospital then because they were going to stay home.  They need a break and wanted to see my brother.  I would like to, have my legs amputated and wear artifical legs.  I see so many advantages to it but the doctors say it is too drastic to do.  But they don't live with this and have all the problems and medications that upset my stomach.  I have to keep the apartment cool to cold.  It is to freeze tonight and was 80 a few days ago.  I think the palsy and this are related.  I am vegetating away.  I can't eat because all I do is sit.  I try to read but end up watching TV.  I stay up late at night and get up early.  I am supposed to get Social Security and disability.  I have all the papers to fill out.  I am dissappointed in the church here.  They don't come around and I can't ask for help because they live so far apart.  The Bishop never contacts me and he said he would.  I  can't go to church but I don't think he believes me.  I would like to regain my temple recommend but he says I have to go to the meetings or else get a written excuse from a doctor.  That made me mad because it is so different in CA.  My mother says their would be no one to help me if I returned to CA.  I said my friends and church would.  My own relatives don't even help and when they do they complain for days I would love to live in Utah and be active in church.  I love the Salt Lake City area.  It has so many memories.  I know we get there or CA somehow.  I still have my faith.  I read my scriptures every day and it is comforting.  I would love the tapes for Jesus the Christ.  I watched the movie Peter and Paul on TV tonight.  It was good.  I would like the Church News but at this time I can't afford it.  I really need a blessing.  Please write me Dale Christenson's address.  I miss you and Mike so much and Marie.  She calls me and I really love that.  Can you think of a way for me to get to CA and where could I live.  I thought that if the divorce ends and I could buy a trailer there for Sandy and me we could manage.  How much are they?  Is there low  income housing there and apartments for the handicap?  I hate being so inactive.  I have to take a laxatives and eat harsh foods and they hurt my stomach because of all the pills I take.  The children sound so grown up.  I am glad you spend your time with them.  It shows and you are a fine example of a mother.  I realy you all and regret that I never was active like I should have been.  Could you do me a favor and send me some bread .  I like Orowheat's Honey Wheat berry bread

Friday, April 10, 1981

April 10, 1981

Dear Betsy,

I was so happy to get your letter.  Please excuse this typing as I cannot write with my right hand.  I have a radial arm palsy and it is useless and unable to use it like when I broke my hand.  The doctors want to admit me to the hospital and my parents are going to Dallas to see Uncle Dick and family.  They are leaving tomorrow.  I am so proud of you and your Rainbows.  So you are going out for the office of Faith.  That is great!  I hope you get it.  You would do a good job.  I am glad that Kirstie is going to join.  The teachings are beautiful.  Were do you go to church?  What are you going to do over spring vacation?  I am glad that you babysit a lot.  I always babysat when I could and saved my money. How is my Gretchen?  I sure do miss her.  Does she miss me?  I am so glad that you liked your presents.  This is an electric typewriter and I never used one before or with my left hand.  Excuse the mistakes.  Sandy and I have bad colds.  Mine is in the throat and hers is a cough.  We have been playing canasta and Probe and sorry.  It is fun.  I am still reading Chesapeake and it is all historical and I like that.  I would some other books like Masada.  Did you see it on TV this week?  I take antibiotics all the time as I have an infected toe where the nail came off.  It will not heal.  Aunt Ida is better and bought me some medicine for my throat yesterday.  She looks good.  She does not come much.  I made whole wheat muffins the other day and put banana in them.  They are delicious.  I eat one every morning with cereal and banana.  I don't drink coffee anymore and sure do miss it.  I spend every day in a wheel chair with the legs elevated.  It is depressing and I sure miss you.  Do you get to watch "Nurse" on TV?  It is really good.  I like the "Dukes of Hazard" and "Dallas" also.  Our weather is cooler today and supposed to go to 32 degrees tonight.  It was 80 the other day.  That is hard on me when it changes so much.  I am afraid that they will have to cut my legs off.  I pray to God for a miracle every day.  I hope you are better by now.  There are so many colds going around here.  Easter is almost here.  I can't even go to church.  Sandy goes to church every week and youth group.  She has a few friends.  She doesn't want to join Rainbows.  My apartment is so drafty and hurt my feet.  It is electric heat and costs a fortune.  I sure wish we could see you soon.  I owe so many letters and can't write with my right hand.  I can't play the violin either.  I just talked to Grandma and they are both sick with colds too.  She can't remember whether she wrote you back or not.  I think she did.  Well, I am going to close this for now.  Please write back soon.  Remember that I love you and miss you so much.  Take good care of yourself for me.  God bless you.  Please say prayers for me.  I pray for you every day.  I love you.  Give my love to Kirstie.

With all my love my daughter,
Love
Mom