Okay, this has been a question of mine for so many year, and I don't really think there is an answer, but maybe you are wondering the same thing I am wondering…
Okay, is there really TRUTH?
When you are frustrated or disappointed the way moms sometimes get when things are not done like they are supposed to be or when someone lets you down, or whatever… are you supposed to tell the truth and communicate that what you are truly feeling, or are you supposed to take the higher road, and say "Oh, no big deal" or "not a problem" and it isn't in the big picture and it will be forgiven and forgotten in a matter of hours or days, but the truth is you will also remember how frustrating something was or how upset something made you.
After much reflection on this I have determined that it is just that I have let my perspective change over the years to be more realistic than optimistic, which I don't know that I like. It used to be so easy for me to "turn the cheek" or "forgive, forget and move on" and it seems that I (at some exact point in time while raising children) decided someone needed to know that this wasn't "okay" and "no I wasn't happy", but then that overspilled into more than a one-time-deal. So if I have ever made you feel bad because I took a situation too serious - "I am truly sorry". Nothing in life is so important that it damage a relationship. Love is so much stronger than anything else out there and we should constantly be working towards having that fill our hearts instead of anger or disappointment.
Thanks for listening.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Sometimes books speak right to the heart
Over the last few weeks I've been reading these books by Sarah Dessen "Just Listen" and "Lock and Key" and now I'm reading "Dreamland". It's all mixed up but she's captured my high school years in bits and pieces throughout the books - it's a bit too close to home for some of it.
In "Just Listen" they have a mom and dad, that I didn't have but she has two sisters - I had two sisters, and one goes through Anorexia. I remember those days where we cared for Sandy so much. She 5'7 1/2" tall withered away to a miserable 78 pounds. I remember just worrying about her and worrying that I would say the wrong thing whether it was encouraging or observing or whatever. Everything about my life at that time was like walking on egg shells. Living with my dad, Sandy being so sick - living with us or with mom or in a hospital, and Kirstie, the youngest. She shouldn't have to experience all the horror that she has in such few years of life. I was only 3 years older but I felt at least 10 or more. I felt like I was the adult and had to protect her - which I don't think I did a very good job!
It's also about a boy trying to "rape" the main character and how she deals with it in silence. She doesn't tell anyone until the very end and only because it happened again to another girl. I was jolted back to that horrible memory of a horrible night in my own life. It's just awful that people think they can have that evil power over another person.
The next book was closer to home in so many more connective ways, but still not the same. It's a story of this girl whose mother leaves her, alone with no one to care for her. She is 17 and tries her very best to do a good job, but in the end is found out. I know you had to leave me and that you didn't leave me "alone" because you left me with dad, but to me, in the beginning I was left alone to struggle for myself (emotionally), and I was only 14. You left me without saying goodbye. You talked about leaving, but then you just left - and you took Sandy with you. You left me and Kirstie with the person you couldn't live with anymore.
Although dad provided the means, he made me the housekeeper, maid and everything else. I not only had to take care of myself but also tend the laundry and ironing, cook the meals, prepare the lunches, do the chores and somehow pretend to continue on as a normal 7th grader. Somehow I did, and then we moved. I kept it up for a while and then it just all got too much. After dad started to make us pay for our own food and clothes and such (well he gave us $10 a week for food and $100 a month for expenses - which I lost to pay for my car) I just couldn't take the abuse and the perverted things that took place - so one day I just left. I was lucky to have a vacant, furnished place to go in the beginning - that lasted about a month. It was almost like a hide out. I had enough money, I had a bed, I had food and I had a car. I even was pretending to make it through school, but then the car broke down and the vacant place became occupied so I was out - out of a house and out of a car.
In the book, Ruby is rescued by her sister and brother-in-law. Jamie is amazing! I wish more people in this world had an attitude like the one portrayed by "Jamie". Ruby learns to trust and love again.
These books they just take you back. I hated my life as a teenager. I think if it weren't for Rainbow Girls or super-fantastic great friends I wouldn't have survived. Well, and in reality I would not have survived if it hadn't been for that one person that saved me that one night that I really thought there wasn't a reason to live anymore. "Who would care if I were here or not?" I would think. No one. Everyone's lives would go on. Thank goodness I didn't listen to those thoughts for too long. Thank goodness I knew deep down inside that there was still so much out there - a chance - a hope - a new life - my life. Thank goodness I looked ahead and not behind and thank goodness I kept going. Now, look at that pathetic teenage girl's life. I put myself through school (for the most part), I married a wonderful man, I am the mother of four wonderful children, I give and serve others, I have a beautiful home, and will give my children a beautiful life, dependable parents, stability, love and compassion, encouragement and acceptance, and a college education. I broke the chain of ugliness. This part is similar - Ruby and Cora both end up with a better life, help others and move on. I wish more people could learn to put the bad parts in the past and keep them in the past so that they can enjoy and cherish the present and future!
Anyway, I've just started Dreamland and it's about a girl that runs away - that's what I did. I ran away from Dad and Alison when I was 17 (almost 18) years old. She left for love - I left to save my life. When she left, she left her sister - someone that loved and looked up to her… I did the same, without even thinking how much it could have (did) hurt her.
It's crazy that this author writes about so many things that cross over into my past life.
In "Just Listen" they have a mom and dad, that I didn't have but she has two sisters - I had two sisters, and one goes through Anorexia. I remember those days where we cared for Sandy so much. She 5'7 1/2" tall withered away to a miserable 78 pounds. I remember just worrying about her and worrying that I would say the wrong thing whether it was encouraging or observing or whatever. Everything about my life at that time was like walking on egg shells. Living with my dad, Sandy being so sick - living with us or with mom or in a hospital, and Kirstie, the youngest. She shouldn't have to experience all the horror that she has in such few years of life. I was only 3 years older but I felt at least 10 or more. I felt like I was the adult and had to protect her - which I don't think I did a very good job!
It's also about a boy trying to "rape" the main character and how she deals with it in silence. She doesn't tell anyone until the very end and only because it happened again to another girl. I was jolted back to that horrible memory of a horrible night in my own life. It's just awful that people think they can have that evil power over another person.
The next book was closer to home in so many more connective ways, but still not the same. It's a story of this girl whose mother leaves her, alone with no one to care for her. She is 17 and tries her very best to do a good job, but in the end is found out. I know you had to leave me and that you didn't leave me "alone" because you left me with dad, but to me, in the beginning I was left alone to struggle for myself (emotionally), and I was only 14. You left me without saying goodbye. You talked about leaving, but then you just left - and you took Sandy with you. You left me and Kirstie with the person you couldn't live with anymore.
Although dad provided the means, he made me the housekeeper, maid and everything else. I not only had to take care of myself but also tend the laundry and ironing, cook the meals, prepare the lunches, do the chores and somehow pretend to continue on as a normal 7th grader. Somehow I did, and then we moved. I kept it up for a while and then it just all got too much. After dad started to make us pay for our own food and clothes and such (well he gave us $10 a week for food and $100 a month for expenses - which I lost to pay for my car) I just couldn't take the abuse and the perverted things that took place - so one day I just left. I was lucky to have a vacant, furnished place to go in the beginning - that lasted about a month. It was almost like a hide out. I had enough money, I had a bed, I had food and I had a car. I even was pretending to make it through school, but then the car broke down and the vacant place became occupied so I was out - out of a house and out of a car.
In the book, Ruby is rescued by her sister and brother-in-law. Jamie is amazing! I wish more people in this world had an attitude like the one portrayed by "Jamie". Ruby learns to trust and love again.
These books they just take you back. I hated my life as a teenager. I think if it weren't for Rainbow Girls or super-fantastic great friends I wouldn't have survived. Well, and in reality I would not have survived if it hadn't been for that one person that saved me that one night that I really thought there wasn't a reason to live anymore. "Who would care if I were here or not?" I would think. No one. Everyone's lives would go on. Thank goodness I didn't listen to those thoughts for too long. Thank goodness I knew deep down inside that there was still so much out there - a chance - a hope - a new life - my life. Thank goodness I looked ahead and not behind and thank goodness I kept going. Now, look at that pathetic teenage girl's life. I put myself through school (for the most part), I married a wonderful man, I am the mother of four wonderful children, I give and serve others, I have a beautiful home, and will give my children a beautiful life, dependable parents, stability, love and compassion, encouragement and acceptance, and a college education. I broke the chain of ugliness. This part is similar - Ruby and Cora both end up with a better life, help others and move on. I wish more people could learn to put the bad parts in the past and keep them in the past so that they can enjoy and cherish the present and future!
Anyway, I've just started Dreamland and it's about a girl that runs away - that's what I did. I ran away from Dad and Alison when I was 17 (almost 18) years old. She left for love - I left to save my life. When she left, she left her sister - someone that loved and looked up to her… I did the same, without even thinking how much it could have (did) hurt her.
It's crazy that this author writes about so many things that cross over into my past life.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
What do you do
Why is it that some of the most confounding questions are also the ones you already know the answers to?
What do you do …
You'd tell me to Pray, listen to my heart, speak with a soft voice.
You'd tell me to show compassion, respect, and be patient.
You'd tell me it will all work out, and that it's not the END of the world - because it's not!
You'd be right!
What do you do …
You'd tell me to Pray, listen to my heart, speak with a soft voice.
You'd tell me to show compassion, respect, and be patient.
You'd tell me it will all work out, and that it's not the END of the world - because it's not!
You'd be right!
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