This is my mother. She left me when I was just 14 years old. I saw her a few times from teenage through the typical college years (although I didn’t have typical college years) and then she passed away before I married or had children. She was a wonderful woman that I know I would talk to her often if she were alive, but I really never got the chance.

The most current entries are things I would tell her and only her ... because they aren’t meant to be heard, just vented (if she were alive). The majority of this blog are letters she wrote to me (and a few to my sisters) during the years that we were apart.

Thursday, April 30, 1981

April 30, 1981 Sally

Dear Sally,
Thank you so much for the bread that arrived today.  Sandy was so thrilled with the pillow.  It is beautiful.  How much do I owe you?  I don't know what the postage was.  The Safeway brand bread molded but the others are fine so we will just have to use the Orpwest brand.  I had it tonight for my supper.  It was so good.  

The divorce hearing was Monday and the judge is taking a week to a month to look it over and make his decision.  It is Heavenly Father's care.  I haven't seen the girls since March 11 last year.  Last night I had a severe attack of TIA or minor stroke.  Sandy called my parents but I lost consciousness.  I was fine up until it happened and it lasted several hours.  I came to and refused to go to the hospital but I scared Sandy to death.  She was awake all night and I read scriptures until 3 AM.  I have made arrangements to go to Ann Arbor University of Michigan the Wed the 6th.  I am really concerned and I strongly want to see the girls but Garry won't let me and I am afraid to tell him my debilitation condition as he will think he can get Sandy.  She is slipping way down in school and I don't think she cares.  I have lost the use of my right hand and borrowed this typewriter from a friend and it is electric.  I never took typing so it is all left finger punch.  Please excuse.  I really can spell!!!  I am at the end of my money and really worried.  The church here is unhelpful.  I miss all of you so much.  The Bishop still hasn't sent Sacrament to me and I requested it over 2 months ago.  My Visiting teacher brought in one meal.  The apartment is dirty and I can do nothing by myself.  Sandy is really nasty and lazy and has a constant mess.  I can't inspire her to get moving and she thinks she will pass but I fear she won't.  She doesn't go to school like she is supposed to.  She is afraid that she will have to go to Garry.  At times I think she acts this way so she can go.  I feel so guilty for being an invalid and unable to go anywhere with her.  She lives a lonely life.  I just called Garry to beg him to let me see the girls and I guess he won't.  Betsy has lots of trouble with asthma.  My money will be gone when I pay the rent and I will have to borrow from someone.  I have never been in this position before.  Sally, I love you and I want you to know how much you and your family mean to me.  I wish I had taken your advise  long before and I might not be in this sickness.  Sandy is trying to diet but she blows it but she doesn't have will power (not like me).  I wrote Jodie yesterday.  She sent a card.  Ash her what I said about the church here.  I still have a strong testimony and it is what gets me through each day.  I will enclose a check for $6 and if it was more which I bet it was, please let me know.  You don't know how much I appreciate it.  The bread will help my bowels as I have a terrible time with them being in the wheel chair all the time.  So how are the children?  How is Mike's business doing?  I think of you so much.  Give my love to everyone as I miss them all.  Tell the sisters to write me and give me some encouragement.  I get depressed at times and try so hard not to question why this has all happened to me.  Thank you for the pamphlets.  I am grateful for them.  I am trying to read Jesus the Christ.   I wish I had it on tapes.  So how is Ginny doing?  Sandy misses her and never gets to writing anyone.  She needs motivation.  I am sure my condition is depressing her and she is afraid.  Our weather goes from 80 to 50 during the day.  We had a tornado touch down Tuesday evening and supposed to take shelter.  I had to stay where I was as I couldn't go down the stairs.  I am really at a loss without my legs plus my right hand.  I get so frustrated.  I can't bathe or wash or comb my hair.  I think I will have someone come to the house and cut it really short so I have no care.  It is so thick and getting long.  It is a real handful.  It takes 5 minutes for water to reach the scalp.  You remember how thick it was and I have had it cut short 2 times since I came here.  I have so much hair for everyone.  I must do, things right to go hair and so thick.  Sandy take 2 1/2 grains Synthroid/day and is still tired.  I take a grain.  Do you still take 1 1/2?  My toenail came off last month and I have been on antibiotics 3 times  and it does not heal because they are blocking the blood to my feet and legs.  Now it is affecting by brain supply.  I hope that Ann Arbor can and will help me.  I feel that the answer is bilateral above the knee amputation so I can live again.  Well, I will close and get ready for bed.  I sleep a lot lately but have trouble getting to bed and asleep.  I take a lot of calcium and magnesium and drink milk.  I want to thank you again for the trouble of getting my bread here.  I'll let you know when I need it again.  Take care of yourself and write soon.  Love you always.

Your friend forever,
Judy

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